One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a blooper in an essay. The following "History of the World" has been pasted together from genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the US from 12 year olds through to University level. Listen carefully and you will learn a lot!
In the Beginning
The inhabitants of ancient Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah dessert and travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.
The Bible is full of interesting caricutures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, once asked "Am I my brother’s son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother’s birthmark. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led them to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
Without the Greeks we wouldn’t have history. They had myths. A myth is a female moth. Socrates is a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic games Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The government of Athens was democratic because people took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece as the mountains were so high that they couldn’t climb over to see what their neighbours were doing. When they fought the Persians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
Eventually the Ramons conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets the guests wore garlics in their hair. Julius Caesare extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was cannonised by Bernard Shaw, and victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offence.
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. One tale tells of William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son’s head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at Wittenburg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello’s interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was an age of great invention and discoveries.
Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry the eighth found walking difficult because he had an abbys on his knee. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah".
A great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. Later the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was known as Pilgrims Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the Indians, who came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian squabs carried porpoises on their backs. Many of the Indian heroes were killed along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1680 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. Then the constitution the US adopted was to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat. He said "In onion there is strength". The fourteenth amendment gave ex-negroes citizenship but the Clue Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-negroes and other innocent victims. It claimed it represented law and odor. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
Meanwhile in Europe, Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in Autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened. During the Napoleanic wars, the crowned heads of Europe were tremoling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at Napolean’s flanks. Napolean became ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn’t bear children.
Meanwhile the sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Samuel Morse invented a code of telepathy. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote "The Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the annals of human history.